What a Nightmare

Remembering my dreams on a regular basis is a pretty new occurrence for me. When I was a teenager, I could go months without recalling even a moment of these nightly subconscious visions. Lately, though, it seems like at least once or twice a week I have a dream that sticks with me after I wake up. Sometimes they're pleasant, like the black-and-white one I had last week; the plot line evades me now, but it had something to do with dancing in the rain. More often than not, unfortunately, it's nightmares that interrupt my sleep and have me waking in a cold sweat.

For example, last night's dream involved me walking in on my husband with another woman. Specific words and actions are blurry, but I woke up weeping into my pillow and sick to my stomach. Of course I felt incredibly relieved when I discovered that none of it was real, but like all dreams do, it made me think. Nightmares like that draw my own insecurities and issues to the surface; sometimes I choose to pray over them and deal with them, and sometimes I squelch them back down because I'm not ready yet.

I have been less than confident in my own abilities to properly maintain a relationship in the past, and I think this dream shows that it's a more deeply seated fear than I thought. I love my husband, but I worry over whether he's satisfied with me as a wife. Logical Becca knows that he loves me deeply and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me; Insecure Becca sees only her faults and wonders why he would choose me over someone else. Someone better.

I try to come across as confident and positive, and I usually succeed by remembering that Christ loves me, even with all my emotional baggage. I've gotten a lot better at putting that thought at the forefront of my mind and letting it rule my decisions and reactions. Yet under the surface, buried so deep that only my subconscious really understands it, is a scared, anxious young woman with a lot of self-hatred. The star of my nightmares.

But the morning after, when I'm shaken and filled with doubt, one passage always helps me remember that, while unworthy, I am loved by my Creator. Offensive as I am, His arms are always open.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens,you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Blessed and Refreshed

I was privileged this past weekend to spend four days with my family in Grand Haven, Michigan. Grand Haven is a beautiful place, with great access to the expected amenities without sacrificing on location. We stayed in my parents' fifth-wheel camper trailer in the state park, located right on the beach and adjacent to the boardwalk/pier. This pier boasts a traditional red lighthouse, and if you follow it back to where it meets the boardwalk, it will take you into the downtown heart of the city. Main Street is lined with fashion boutiques, craft and hobby stores, and mom-and-pop restaurants - and most places are even dog-friendly. It's the perfect location for walks on the pristine white-sand beach, bike rides, sun, surf, meditation, shopping; whatever your vacationing heart desires, it has.

It was a great opportunity to recover from a nasty head cold, to relax after months of balancing three part-time jobs, and to appreciate my family anew. My parents are some of the most supportive, giving people I have ever met. They understand the lack of money that my husband and I face, and they readily offered to take on the financial burden of bringing me with them. My husband was unable to go, sadly, but in a way, it turned out to be a good thing. He had free roam of the apartment for the weekend to have friends over and watch movies I hate, and I was blessed with four days away from the disaster zone that we live in (yeah, I need to clean).

It's not the first time that I've vacationed with my parents and siblings and left my husband behind. Since before we got married I have been the worrywart of our little family, and I stress out easily. My husband is not the same, praise Jesus. When money gets tight, he trusts that it will all come together; when things break, he fixes them or calls someone who knows how. He rarely feels the pressing need to escape and relax, while it hits me pretty strongly at least once a year. So, when opportunity rears its head, he kisses me and calmly waves goodbye as I head out to clear my head and reconnect with the Lord.

I always come back refreshed and ready to tackle life again, and my husband (bless his heart) is always more than ready for me to return. It's true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder. Doing without his presence for just a few days makes me appreciate him and realign my priorities. *sigh* God has been so good to me in so many ways. I hope I never take for granted the generous spirits of my parents or the loving grace of my husband.

Sick, Dude

Okay, reader, I'll warn you right now – this blog post is going to sound a bit rant-y. I'm not going to hit the caps lock button or use too many exclamation points or swear words, but the tone is going to be critical. With that in mind, here we go.

I've been sick for about four days now. I get sick maybe 3-5 times a year - less now than I used to when I was eating crap and gaining weight, but still. It started out on Monday morning with a sore throat, stuffy nose, drainage, sneezing, and coughing. As the week progressed, the congestion has moved lower and is now settling in my chest, and I have also lost my voice. Allergy medication hasn't helped, so I can only assume it's either a cold, sinus infection, or a light case of walking pneumonia (I've had all three at some point in the past, and they feel relatively similar).

While sick this time, I've worked at two different jobs, once substitute teaching at a local elementary school, and once at a restaurant. Here's where it gets a little rant-y. At both places, I informed the person above me that I was not feeling well but that I could still work if needed. And both places had me work the entire shift. Now, I am not the most hygienic person in the world (I do fine), but something seems wrong about that picture. If I were a parent and my child's substitute teacher were sick with an infectious illness, I would want a different sub called in. If I were ordering food from a restaurant, I wouldn't want someone who felt like death warmed over preparing my food for me. And yet, there I was.

I've been in school environments enough to know that many teachers get ill just as often as students, if not more so. In fact, when I student taught as an undergrad, I got sick twice in a six-week period. Both times, I took a day or two off from student teaching so I could rest and come back ready to give my best work. Plus, I didn't want to transmit whatever it was I had to any of the students. Unfortunately, both times, I was told off by one of my supervising professors for “not giving it my all” or “slacking off” instead of pushing through the pain and the ick.

I've also worked countless hours in food service since I was sixteen, and there have been many shifts where I couldn't find someone to come in for me, so I just worked while sick.

Personally, I feel there ought to be more concern in both places not just over the health of the worker, but also the likelihood of transmission to either a student or a customer. It's not safe, it's not hygienic, and it's really just plain gross. Can you imagine receiving a sundae prepared by someone who's been coughing up phlegm all night? Or having your child come home and regale you with stories about how the sub couldn't stop sneezing for half the day? Especially when both scenarios could have been prevented by a little extra work from the person in charge. The secretary at the school could have called around and found someone to replace me for at least half the day. The manager at the restaurant could have sent me home and done with one less person on staff for the night (we weren't all that busy).

Now, I've never been on the other side of the issue – I've never managed a restaurant, I've never been a school secretary. Maybe I'd think differently if I were the one who had to take 20 minutes to call around and find a replacement sub. Maybe I'd see things in a new light if it fell to me to manage a smaller staff and hope we didn't get a bus. Still, I'd like to think that I'd handle things differently and put the health of both the workers and the students/customers before the inconvenience of doing without.

On the Line

I'm not going to tell you that I'm a composer, because I'm nowhere near worthy of that kind of title yet. I've actually never shared any of the music I've written with anyone. Not even my husband. Most of what I write is inspired by my personal struggles and joys, and it's therefore quite close to my heart. And, being in my early twenties, I know I have a lot of growing and perfecting yet to do. But the last year or so I've gained a lot of self-confidence, so tonight I lay it on the line for you, reader. For the first time, one of my songs posted publicly. You don't really get the full effect without hearing the melody and the textural background stuff that I hear in my head with it, but I'm still trying to figure out the best solution for creating that part.

This is written for my husband about our dating and early engagement period, and is just a bit inspired by the e.e. cummings poem of the same title. I love you, sweetheart, and happy anniversary. Here goes nothing.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

Walk me home, it's just us two

Savoring a love so new

Our expectations hover in the air

Electrified from head to toe

You bow your head and pull me close

And slowly run your fingers through my hair

[CHORUS]

On a night like this, with a man like you

Just one more kiss, or maybe two

On this dark, cold street, here we stand complete -

I carry your heart with me

Beneath the light of the rising moon

You flash a smile that leaves no room

For doubt to feed the demons in my head

This madman's love like fire burns

Our hands are clasped, we slowly turn

And step together toward the road ahead

[CHORUS]

On a night like this, with a man like you

Just one more kiss, or maybe two

On this dark, cold street, here we stand complete -

I carry your heart with me

-Bridge-

Your arms and hands encircle me, embraces ever sweet

Take me down, set me aflame, and fill this aching need

[CHORUS]

On a night like this, with a man like you

Just one more kiss, or maybe two
Here with you, I am free, and I hope you see -

I carry your heart with me

I carry your heart with me

*phew* Now, just to hit that publish button. If you comment, be kind. :)

The Importance of Being Honest

This has been a long week.

I've always loved the Easter season – time with family, the glorious message of Christ's resurrection, and chocolate. Loads of chocolate. In many ways, the whole holiday is like the grand meal my family shares together: comforting, satisfying, and fulfilling for hours (or even days) afterward.

This year, though, the Easter message took on a new color. My friend's death hung over my head like the proverbial raincloud, casting shadows on the season's usual sunshiny joy. The Maundy Thursday service I attended and took part in brought tears to my eyes as I realized all over again the extent of Christ's sacrifice. Death itself had become more real, more painful. As we sang on Sunday morning, “O Death, where is your sting?”, I knew exactly where it was. The pain of losing Josh had been sporadically poking and prodding at me for days, and for the first time, I truly felt death's sting. Knowing that I had missed an opportunity to fully befriend this young man, that there was nothing I could do – it was heartbreaking to feel so powerless.

But then it hit me. This is exactly why Christ came to earth and made the ultimate sacrifice. Because I was already powerless; a sinner, deserving of an eternity of torment. Even if there had been something I could do to save Josh from his early passing, there is nothing I could do for his soul. Josh had placed his life and his future in the hands of the one Person who could direct his path and give him eternity with the Father. Because of this, I will one day have that opportunity to sit with Josh and laugh and worship with him. All because of Christ's gift and the Easter story.

I take comfort in that, and I praise Jesus for this beautiful truth. Though, this whole thing has inspired a certain need to express my appreciation for my loved ones. Our days are numbered, and no one knows when their final one will come. I need to make sure that you all know just how much you mean to me. I won't name names, but if I write to you here, I think you'll be able to find yourself in the list below.

#1 – You , beloved, are definitely my earthly number one. The love we share has changed me in innumerable ways, almost entirely for the better. ;) Your wit, your smile, your overflowing love for me are sometimes the only things that carry me through a long day. I can't imagine living out life on this earth with anyone else by my side. I love you, sweetheart.

#2 – You just might know me better than even my husband. Since we were kids, you've been the one who sticks up for me, and you taught me to stick up for myself. You pulled me out of my shy little shell and stood with me through every jerk that broke my heart. Thanks for being you; for knowing who you are and refusing to apologize for it. You are, have been, and always will be my best friend. :)

#3 – What can I say? You raised me, you loved me unconditionally, and you played a huge part in forming the woman I am today. You inspire me to constantly press on to find a better version of myself. You make me want to be healthier, both physically and spiritually. If I become half of the woman of God I see in you, I'll consider my time on this earth a success. Thank you for never giving up on me.

#4 – I definitely get my wry sense of humor and my temper from you. I know you like to say that I'm my mother's child, but in many ways I reflect you, too (or at least I hope so). Your fierce loyalty to your spouse, your work ethic, your naturally jovial nature – all things I aspire to. I hope you know how much I look up to you and admire you. Thanks for being there for all my important moments.

#5 – Sure, we didn't get along as kids, but look at us now. It's so strange to see you prepare for marriage, but I think you've found the person God meant for you. You are ever in my thoughts and prayers, and I know that you'll find who you're supposed to be and where you're supposed to go. Keep turning to Christ in both good times and bad, and know that we're always here for you. Love you, bro.

#6 – I know you don't always think it, but you are beautiful. I don't say it often enough, but you have been blessed with a lovely voice and it makes me happy to see you use it for Christ. We don't always get along, but I always have and will always love you, sis. I hope you know that you can always come to me for advice or a shoulder to cry on.

#7 – It amazes me sometimes how quickly a new person in your life can become indispensable. I spend all week looking forward to our hang-out nights, and I know I can come to you both in times of celebration and sadness. You truly are my sister in Christ, almost like family, and I have the utmost respect for you. Thanks for being an example for me to aspire to and a girlfriend to swap married stories with. :)

#8 – Much like your wife, you've been a wonderful friend and inspiration. It seems there's a new facet to your personality around every corner, and I don't think I'll ever tire of picking your brain. You are a great mentor and teacher, and in many ways, almost like a big brother. If you ever want to follow through on that ancient Pictonary bet, I'm totally up for those cooking lessons. :)

#9 & #10 – The two of you have become a permanent staple in me and my husband's lives, and I certainly don't mind. #9, sharing the Masterworks experience with you and getting to know you better has been a lot of fun, and I hope it continues. #10, you're good at making me laugh, and #1 and I are both glad to have you back in the area. If you two wanna hang out, you know where to find us.

#11-1,473 – I don't think I actually have this many friends, but you all bless me in different ways. From the ladies at church who always have a kind word, to my college friends who shared laughs with me in the music building, to my coworkers at both Taylor and Ivanhoe's. I'm not one to choose to spend time with people who are better at tearing down than building up. Life is too short to allow destructive people to rule your life. Each person who reads this and knows me is a unique gift, and I hope you know how much I appreciate the community of family and friends that surround me.

...This was a really long post. For that, I apologize. But really, I love all of you, and I need to make sure you know that. Goodnight, friends.